Thursday, January 25, 2007

too much pain

i miss how i was when i was young,
vibrant and full of excitement,
beautiful and skinny,
that's what the world wants now..
beautiful and skinny,
poised and elegant..
i am none of that..
i used to have my confidence,
i used to have my pride,
but slowly,
that too is fading away..
leaving me with nothing..
i am like an empty vessel,
with nothing inside..
is it possible for my heart to hurt anymore?
because i have felt so much..
too much..
that i don't feel pain anymore..
i don't feel anything,
i am too tired..
too tired to feel,
to tired to cry..
i just want to sleep forever....
oh God,please take away this pain inside.....

Unworthy

Day after day, i can't help but look around at all the people passing by..it's like one of those movies where i just see my life passing right through but i am sitting down - so still,looking left and right..wondering why..i look at all the beautiful faces around me..girl and guy..and i start to wonder..... i used to have such a confidence in myself that i did not care about anything but my own thoughts and my own actions..i only cared about what's in my heart..but day after day..i all i keep hearing is everyone saying, "you're ugly" to my face..and day after day my heart breaks a little, and my confidence fades..all i am now is a shadow..like a ghost wandering around earth,haunting,but isn't actually seen..even a ghost is better than i am..they are talked about everywhere and people fear them,whereas i,am just transparent like them..nothing more but dust bunnies flying in the air waiting to be swept or blown away....i can't help but look at all the beautiful faces, left and right, guy and girl..everyone more beautiful than i am..all the girls with their long legs and their beautiful curves..i want my confidence back..i want to go home to parents who say they love me instead of saying that i'm fat and ugly..they say i can't make it in the real world because i'm not beautiful..is that true?i'm starting to think that it is..i do not write this because i feel sorry for myself,i write this because i want to release whatever pain i have and hope that God might take away my pain and give me back my courage..i want to feel whole again..like i am worth something..or at least,it that is not possible..i just want my long fringe back,so that i may hide my face and my scars from all the beautiful people..

Sunday, January 21, 2007

momentary sadness

i've been asleep for so long,
dreaming of a world where love is all that matters..
my heart lingers on the fantasy of a man that saved me when i was drowning,
that held me close and gave me warmth in the blistering storm,
and that gave me the most passionate kiss that i will never be able to feel from a real man..
why do i have to wake up?
in my heart,that dream was real,
and when i awoke,
i didn't know which was my reality..
oh God,
let me go back to that moment when the whole world was at peace and everyone was happy just being in love - no worries,no pain..
oh God,
just let me fall asleep again..

Friday, January 19, 2007

my first time

This is my first blog ever...i actually never thought highly about blogging..never understood the concept of having a diary that everyone can read..but i guess everyone sees blogging in a different way..i'm using it as a way to express myself..and to voice out the opinions i've always had but never bothered to let venture anyway further than my mind..i guess this is where i show my bare essentials to the world (or at least anyone who's reading..). i'm guessing i won't be an everyday blogger, but i'll write whenever i feel like screaming and/or shouting at the world..haha..its funny how i used to say blogging was stupid but i'm doing it now..does this make me a hypocrite?..actually, i always try to do things that i don't like, to try and change my opinion about it..weird huh?..i guess i'm kind of peculiar in my own way..u'll find out more as i continue, or shall i say IF i continue blogging..(i never do finish things..i always start but leave things hanging in the end..)