suicidal...?

It hurts so much to know that the person you'd sacrifice everything for won't sacrifice anything for you..seeing so many movies, hearing so many stories, i always knew love was special..but now..love seems like the farthest thing in the world i can achieve..i always try to make people feel special..telling them how important they are,showing them how much i care..yet when it comes to my own life,i feel nothing but pain..do i deserve love at all?am i worth anything?because i feel as though i deserve all the pain and heartache..and when i thought i had found someone who i actually believed who tot i was special,again,i was fooled.i am nothing but a useless,meaningless person in this world,wandering about awaiting my time to desolve from the face of the earth..yet i think of my life as precious,because God gave it to me..not because it is important to me..i have never felt this much pain before..it feels like someone cut open my chest with a small knife slowly so i would feel the pain,and instead of ripping my heart out,he decides to cut it strip by strip,letting the blood flow out slowly,then stabbing it vigorously until there is no more beat and no more heart.i have never felt this kind of pain before - when the thought of death seemed much easier then breathing..i want to SCREAM but i can't..someone would hear me..i want to cry but i can't..someone would hear me..i can't do anything but keep silent..letting the pain boil inside of me like a volcano waiting to erupt..maybe i could take drugs and make the pain go away for a while..but that won't do anything..what do i do?what can i do but sit at home,listening to my parents shout at me,putting more salt on the wound..i can't escape..i can't runaway..and i can't tell anyone..because they can't know my pain..and the only person who i would tell caused me this pain..death seems like a good idea sometimes..too bad i can't be suicidal.

A lost love...

It was on the 1st of May 2007 that i learnt how fragile life is..three of my friends past away in a car crash that affected the lives of so many people,including mine...imagine waking up in the morning and getting a phone call that your best friend and two other friends have past away in a car crash..and imagine that,just moments before,you were sending your best friend and message,wishing her happy birthday after not seeing her for almost two years..and thinking to yourself that you couldn't call her because your phone had no credit..i wish i had called her..it was just half an hour after i sent her that message that they found her body..i couldn't cry when i found out,even seeing her lying in the coffin..all my mind was saying was that she was sleeping,like a beautiful child,and that she would wake up any moment..i couldn't believe it..and sometimes,it is still hard to believe that she is gone..
The worst thing is knowing that all those times when she was here,i couldn't see her or meet up with her..i oni called her once last year because she was staying so far away..i have never had anyone close past away before,and 3 passing away at once was a terrible thing..
I found out how fragile life is from this incident..and i thank her so much for teaching me that..all those petty problems that has happened in my life seem so unimportant now..i try not to be too concerned about petty things now..i love life so much more now thanks to her..

My Beautiful best friend Reshween and me on her 17th birthday party in KEC

To my best friend:

i thank you for being a huge part of my life, and teaching me so many things..i remember the times when we used to be so amazed about how many things we had in common and i laugh at all the moments i had with you..the memories of us will always remain in my mind and your spirit will always be in my heart..even though we weren't close for the past few years,i still feel like i know you so well..you will always be the beautiful girl with a great heart and have a love for sarcasm as much as i do..i love you so much and i will never forget you...