Lights, Cameras, Camwhores!

sleepy sleepy... its almost 2am and we're beginning to doze off as we wait outside KL Sentral..feeling like backpackers, or beggars? hmmmm...Karen!you're supposed to be sleeping! ish..

GO GO power rangers!er..not so powery than bored out of our mind as we wait all ALONE for Audrey's mom to pick us up from KL Sentral because the government suddenly decided to stop all trains from Bukit Jalil Stadium just to make us civilians suffer a hefty sum for taxi fees (40bucks!)

we didn't get the VIP tickets like Karen and Audrey did..we were left with the NORMAL fans..haha..more camwhoring as the concert started late..noticed that it wasn't a cold night as i'm drenched in sweat..(can't really see in this pic though..)

look at that cute,hot drummer pouting his lips at us..haha..what's his name again?ahh..doesn't matter..

even MORE camwhoring! (what do you expect..3hours of waiting in line waiting..) At this exact moment, a little boy's trying to cut into our line quietly but we were very careful not to let him!

more camwhoring..

from left: Karen, Audrey, me and Swee Wei doing abit of camwhoring while waiting for Good Charlotte to come to Subang Parade for an autograph session...sadly they could only autograph their new album so only Audrey got their signature..and we waited for almost 3 hours!!

suicidal...?

It hurts so much to know that the person you'd sacrifice everything for won't sacrifice anything for you..seeing so many movies, hearing so many stories, i always knew love was special..but now..love seems like the farthest thing in the world i can achieve..i always try to make people feel special..telling them how important they are,showing them how much i care..yet when it comes to my own life,i feel nothing but pain..do i deserve love at all?am i worth anything?because i feel as though i deserve all the pain and heartache..and when i thought i had found someone who i actually believed who tot i was special,again,i was fooled.i am nothing but a useless,meaningless person in this world,wandering about awaiting my time to desolve from the face of the earth..yet i think of my life as precious,because God gave it to me..not because it is important to me..i have never felt this much pain before..it feels like someone cut open my chest with a small knife slowly so i would feel the pain,and instead of ripping my heart out,he decides to cut it strip by strip,letting the blood flow out slowly,then stabbing it vigorously until there is no more beat and no more heart.i have never felt this kind of pain before - when the thought of death seemed much easier then breathing..i want to SCREAM but i can't..someone would hear me..i want to cry but i can't..someone would hear me..i can't do anything but keep silent..letting the pain boil inside of me like a volcano waiting to erupt..maybe i could take drugs and make the pain go away for a while..but that won't do anything..what do i do?what can i do but sit at home,listening to my parents shout at me,putting more salt on the wound..i can't escape..i can't runaway..and i can't tell anyone..because they can't know my pain..and the only person who i would tell caused me this pain..death seems like a good idea sometimes..too bad i can't be suicidal.

A lost love...

It was on the 1st of May 2007 that i learnt how fragile life is..three of my friends past away in a car crash that affected the lives of so many people,including mine...imagine waking up in the morning and getting a phone call that your best friend and two other friends have past away in a car crash..and imagine that,just moments before,you were sending your best friend and message,wishing her happy birthday after not seeing her for almost two years..and thinking to yourself that you couldn't call her because your phone had no credit..i wish i had called her..it was just half an hour after i sent her that message that they found her body..i couldn't cry when i found out,even seeing her lying in the coffin..all my mind was saying was that she was sleeping,like a beautiful child,and that she would wake up any moment..i couldn't believe it..and sometimes,it is still hard to believe that she is gone..
The worst thing is knowing that all those times when she was here,i couldn't see her or meet up with her..i oni called her once last year because she was staying so far away..i have never had anyone close past away before,and 3 passing away at once was a terrible thing..
I found out how fragile life is from this incident..and i thank her so much for teaching me that..all those petty problems that has happened in my life seem so unimportant now..i try not to be too concerned about petty things now..i love life so much more now thanks to her..

My Beautiful best friend Reshween and me on her 17th birthday party in KEC

To my best friend:

i thank you for being a huge part of my life, and teaching me so many things..i remember the times when we used to be so amazed about how many things we had in common and i laugh at all the moments i had with you..the memories of us will always remain in my mind and your spirit will always be in my heart..even though we weren't close for the past few years,i still feel like i know you so well..you will always be the beautiful girl with a great heart and have a love for sarcasm as much as i do..i love you so much and i will never forget you...

too much pain

i miss how i was when i was young,
vibrant and full of excitement,
beautiful and skinny,
that's what the world wants now..
beautiful and skinny,
poised and elegant..
i am none of that..
i used to have my confidence,
i used to have my pride,
but slowly,
that too is fading away..
leaving me with nothing..
i am like an empty vessel,
with nothing inside..
is it possible for my heart to hurt anymore?
because i have felt so much..
too much..
that i don't feel pain anymore..
i don't feel anything,
i am too tired..
too tired to feel,
to tired to cry..
i just want to sleep forever....
oh God,please take away this pain inside.....

Unworthy

Day after day, i can't help but look around at all the people passing by..it's like one of those movies where i just see my life passing right through but i am sitting down - so still,looking left and right..wondering why..i look at all the beautiful faces around me..girl and guy..and i start to wonder..... i used to have such a confidence in myself that i did not care about anything but my own thoughts and my own actions..i only cared about what's in my heart..but day after day..i all i keep hearing is everyone saying, "you're ugly" to my face..and day after day my heart breaks a little, and my confidence fades..all i am now is a shadow..like a ghost wandering around earth,haunting,but isn't actually seen..even a ghost is better than i am..they are talked about everywhere and people fear them,whereas i,am just transparent like them..nothing more but dust bunnies flying in the air waiting to be swept or blown away....i can't help but look at all the beautiful faces, left and right, guy and girl..everyone more beautiful than i am..all the girls with their long legs and their beautiful curves..i want my confidence back..i want to go home to parents who say they love me instead of saying that i'm fat and ugly..they say i can't make it in the real world because i'm not beautiful..is that true?i'm starting to think that it is..i do not write this because i feel sorry for myself,i write this because i want to release whatever pain i have and hope that God might take away my pain and give me back my courage..i want to feel whole again..like i am worth something..or at least,it that is not possible..i just want my long fringe back,so that i may hide my face and my scars from all the beautiful people..

momentary sadness

i've been asleep for so long,
dreaming of a world where love is all that matters..
my heart lingers on the fantasy of a man that saved me when i was drowning,
that held me close and gave me warmth in the blistering storm,
and that gave me the most passionate kiss that i will never be able to feel from a real man..
why do i have to wake up?
in my heart,that dream was real,
and when i awoke,
i didn't know which was my reality..
oh God,
let me go back to that moment when the whole world was at peace and everyone was happy just being in love - no worries,no pain..
oh God,
just let me fall asleep again..

my first time

This is my first blog ever...i actually never thought highly about blogging..never understood the concept of having a diary that everyone can read..but i guess everyone sees blogging in a different way..i'm using it as a way to express myself..and to voice out the opinions i've always had but never bothered to let venture anyway further than my mind..i guess this is where i show my bare essentials to the world (or at least anyone who's reading..). i'm guessing i won't be an everyday blogger, but i'll write whenever i feel like screaming and/or shouting at the world..haha..its funny how i used to say blogging was stupid but i'm doing it now..does this make me a hypocrite?..actually, i always try to do things that i don't like, to try and change my opinion about it..weird huh?..i guess i'm kind of peculiar in my own way..u'll find out more as i continue, or shall i say IF i continue blogging..(i never do finish things..i always start but leave things hanging in the end..)