suicidal...?

It hurts so much to know that the person you'd sacrifice everything for won't sacrifice anything for you..seeing so many movies, hearing so many stories, i always knew love was special..but now..love seems like the farthest thing in the world i can achieve..i always try to make people feel special..telling them how important they are,showing them how much i care..yet when it comes to my own life,i feel nothing but pain..do i deserve love at all?am i worth anything?because i feel as though i deserve all the pain and heartache..and when i thought i had found someone who i actually believed who tot i was special,again,i was fooled.i am nothing but a useless,meaningless person in this world,wandering about awaiting my time to desolve from the face of the earth..yet i think of my life as precious,because God gave it to me..not because it is important to me..i have never felt this much pain before..it feels like someone cut open my chest with a small knife slowly so i would feel the pain,and instead of ripping my heart out,he decides to cut it strip by strip,letting the blood flow out slowly,then stabbing it vigorously until there is no more beat and no more heart.i have never felt this kind of pain before - when the thought of death seemed much easier then breathing..i want to SCREAM but i can't..someone would hear me..i want to cry but i can't..someone would hear me..i can't do anything but keep silent..letting the pain boil inside of me like a volcano waiting to erupt..maybe i could take drugs and make the pain go away for a while..but that won't do anything..what do i do?what can i do but sit at home,listening to my parents shout at me,putting more salt on the wound..i can't escape..i can't runaway..and i can't tell anyone..because they can't know my pain..and the only person who i would tell caused me this pain..death seems like a good idea sometimes..too bad i can't be suicidal.